Being Gentle with Yourself is the Path to True Success and Fulfillment

We don't talk much about being gentle with ourselves as the best way to live a happy, productive and fulfilling life.  Rather, the world promotes striving, forcing, controlling, manipulating, judging and criticizing ourselves instead.  We think this way of thinking and being will motivate us to be more productive and achieve our goals more effectively, but it actually has the opposite effect.  Evidence has shown that criticizing and judging ourselves makes us feel like nothing we do is ever good enough and contributes to lack of motivation, depression, anxiety, addictions, procrastination, perfectionism, and low self-esteem.  Kindness and gentleness towards ourselves will give us more motivation to enjoy the process of achieving our goals and increase our energy, strength, peace, joy and love.  This is the only environment that will foster health, mentally, emotionally and physically.  The bible says, 'Rather it shall be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.' - 1 Peter 3:4.  If a child fails at something, you wouldn't berate them for it because it will make them feel worse than they already do. The child internalizes the message that they are not good enough and they will connect their worth to what they do rather than to who they are.  Instead, it's important to help them understand that failure is a necessary part of life and their only responsibility is to learn from the mistake, let it go and do their best.  Tell them they are worthy and loved no matter what they do (behavior).  Some behaviors, of course, are inappropriate and require consequences, but that is separate from WHO they are as a person.  A nurturing parent would love them just the same, regardless of their poor behavior.  We need to use this same approach as adults, because that inner child within is still an important part of us. 

The first step is becoming aware of our negative, critical thoughts without judgement and then replacing those thoughts with more realistic, positive, gentler ones.

Another step we can take is learn how to be gentle with ourselves, which also includes honoring and acknowledging our feelings, no matter what they are, or whether we think they are "acceptable" or not.  It's necessary to work through and process feelings in order to learn what they have to teach us about ourselves as well as to heal past pain.  Journaling thoughts and feelings is a great way to do this and as a result, increases self-knowledge and self-awareness.  

Acknowledging our successes, no matter how small, is another way to be loving and gentle with ourselves.  If you're not sure how to do this, think about what you would say to a friend and say those words to yourself.  

Taking these action steps will help us be more integrated, whole individuals and lead to greater productivity, motivation and emotional balance.  Even the bible talks about the importance of being gentle with ourselves.  'Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.' - Colossians 3:12.

Achieving gentleness with ourselves can be difficult, especially if you grew up in a family that was very negative and critical, but it is possible if you believe it is.  Matthew 19:26 says, "With God, all things are possible." It takes work but will be well worth the effort in creating a joy-filled, successful, loving and peaceful life.


Peace and blessings,
Jill

 

Inner Child Healing

Do you struggle with obsessive thoughts, anxiety, depression or addictions?  Are you unhappy and unfulfilled in life, but don't know why?  Do you have difficulty trusting yourself and others?  Are you disconnected from your feelings?  Do you constantly criticize yourself?   Do you struggle with paralyzing fear at the thought of starting a new project or endeavor?  Do you struggle with perfectionism and procrastination?   Are your relationships painful?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, you most likely have a wounded inner child. Inner Child healing and integration with the Healthy Adult part of us is imperative if we are to be mature, happy, peaceful, joyful, responsible, emotionally healthy and productive adults.  People who have an inner child that isn't healed tend to react unconsciously to today's issues and situations out of past pain, rather than responding out of choice in the present.  If it’s hysterical, it’s historical. This means that if your reactions to present situations in your life are bigger than the situation calls for, it’s from the past. 

You're probably asking, "What is an inner child and what's the point in dealing with him/her now as an adult?  My childhood is past and long gone."  Yes, this is true, but until you address what happened back then, you will never be completely free.  You will be bound by past negative learned beliefs that are unconsciously controlling your life.  Neuroscience has shown that most of our decisions, actions, emotions and behavior depend on the 95% of brain activity that lies beyond conscious awareness, meaning that 95% (or as much as 99%) of your life comes from the programming from your subconscious mind, which was formed from birth to age 7.  This is an astounding number!  Basically, most of life, moment by moment is controlled by the past and has almost nothing whatsoever to do with the present.  That is, unless we reprogram the subconscious mind.

Some symptoms of a wounded, unhealed inner child are people pleasing, lacking a strong identity, feeling guilty for standing up for yourself, feeling inadequate or not good enough, difficulty identifying feelings, addictions, fear of abandonment, and self-criticism.  It takes time, patience, and work to heal the inner child, but will be one of the best investments in your life.  The goal is to create a relationship with your inner child that is based on love, support, fun, acknowledgement, acceptance, encouragement and safety that was missing growing up.  I will share some action steps you can take today to start healing and reparenting your inner child.  

The first step is attending and working a 12-step program.  I recommend Adult Children of Alcoholics.  This program is based on reparenting the inner child in a loving, supportive environment.  Shame gets healed more effectively in group environments where people can share their experience, strength and hope with others.  The website is www.adultchildren.org.

The second step is to write a letter asking for permission from him/her to create a collaborative relationship and work together to learn new healthy ways of living and being.  There may be mixed emotions, such as anger, in response to this, so it's necessary be patient, because it will take time for your inner child to trust you.  It's imperative to create consistency, stability and predictability in order for the inner child to feel safe to open up, so on a regular basis, write to your inner child and ask questions such as, "How are you feeling?"  "What would you like to do today?"  "What do you need from me?"  Then, have the inner child write the responses back to you.  Next, you, the adult, acknowledge their feelings and take appropriate action to meet those needs.  This will build trust, safety and connection. Make this an ongoing practice.  As we all know, building relationships takes time, energy, and effort.

The third step is to utilize affirmations.  Affirmations are a very powerful way to praise and build up the inner child.  Examples are, "I love you," "I see you," "I accept you for who you are," "You are special," You are unique," Your feelings matter," or create your own.  This will replace the past negative messages and beliefs with more positive, realistic ones.

Lastly, listening to inner child guided visualizations and self-hypnosis programs is essential in healing the inner child and can be found on sites like YouTube.  They reprogram the subconscious mind to live from a place of conscious choice to stop reacting unfavorably to situations and people.

These are a few steps you can take to start healing and integrating the inner child.  Inner child healing and reparenting has been the most powerful and beneficial work I have ever done in freeing myself from the past and has enabled me to live with more joy, love, peace, confidence and strength. 

Please share any comments about how you have connected with and/or healed your inner child.